Danielle | Germany

Between pain, silence and confusion.

← Read Part 1 ✦ Read Part 3 →

I thought I could handle everything.
But inside… everything was falling apart.

I thought I could keep going.

Just move forward.
Do what needed to be done.
Keep living as if nothing had changed.

But deep inside…

something had gone out.

Not a peaceful silence.

A heavy silence.
Suffocating.
An emptiness that kept growing inside me.

I got up every morning.
I did what had to be done.
I talked to people.
I smiled.

On the outside…

everything seemed fine.

But in truth…

I was no longer really there.

Something inside me
had shattered.

And I didn’t even realize…

how far I had already fallen.

For a long time,
I thought it was “just” sadness.

That time would eventually heal everything.

But about a year later,
I was admitted to a clinic
for treatment of a lumbar disc herniation.

And that was when…

another word appeared.

Depression.

When the doctors said it,
I was surprised.

Because I was still functioning.

I could talk.
Smile.
Handle daily life.

And yet…

inside…

I was exhausted.

Empty.

As if pain had slowly consumed
everything that was left in me.

At the clinic,
I began speaking with psychologists.

And the more I talked…

the more I realized
how much suffering
I had buried deep inside myself.

All that time,
I had kept moving forward.

Like someone on autopilot.

Without ever truly stopping
to look at what was happening inside me.

After leaving the clinic,
I needed ongoing psychological care.

But in Germany,
the waiting lists are long.

Very long.

I was told
I would have to wait about a year.

A year.

When you are already fighting battles inside yourself,
even a single day
can feel endless.

And despite everything…

I kept moving forward.

But deep inside me,
the struggle was still there.

Especially with God.

Because despite everything I had experienced…

I did not understand God.

I kept praying.

But my prayers had changed.

They were no longer filled with hope.

They were filled with pain.

I cried out to God.

I questioned His silence.

I could not understand
why He had not answered my prayers.

Why He had not healed my mother.

Why He had taken her from me
so early.

I could still see His hand moving
in certain areas of my life.

But I could not feel gratitude for any of it.

Because all my attention
was fixed on what I had lost.

And this question
kept returning again and again:

Why?

Why her?
Why now?
Why so soon?

I did not want to hear anything else.

I just wanted my mother.

“How long wilt thou forget me, O Lord? for ever?
how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?
 How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
having sorrow in my heart daily?“
— Psalm 13:2-3 (KJV)

✦ Danielle | Germany ✦