Danielle | Germany

My circumstances had not changed. But my perspective had.

For a long time, I thought the greatest battle was taking place in my body. But God showed me that it first began in the way I chose to look at my circumstances.

There are seasons in life
when it feels as though everything is falling apart.

The past few years have been such a season for me.

Since being diagnosed with ME/CFS,
one complication after another has followed.

Every new medical appointment
seemed to bring another change.

Little by little, I felt as though I was losing,
day after day,
another piece of my freedom.

At first,
I was still able to move around my apartment
with the help of a walker.

Then came the wheelchair.

And later,
the power wheelchair.

Little by little…

my world became smaller.

And without even realizing it,

my eyes became fixed on everything I was losing.

A little more strength.

A little more independence.

A little more of the life I had once known.

The hardest part wasn’t only the illness.

The hardest part was the battle taking place in my mind.

How could I keep hoping when everything my eyes saw
seemed to say the exact opposite?

How could I keep my illness from becoming the only reality
occupying my thoughts?

Every new limitation pulled my attention
a little more toward what I had lost.

Every new symptom seemed to remind me
of everything I could no longer do.

Without even noticing it,
I had almost stopped looking at anything else.

Then came another doctor’s appointment.

Another change.

This time…

a catheter.

That day,
Maggie (name changed to protect her privacy),

the young woman who helps me with my daily needs, had accompanied me to the appointment and driven me back home.

When the front door closed behind her…

silence filled the apartment.

And with that silence…

everything I had been holding together

finally gave way.

I lay down on my bed.

And I cried.

For a long time.

A very long time.

The pain ran deep.

Looking at that catheter made me realize once again
that the illness was still advancing.

It felt
as though it had taken something from me

once again.

A little more freedom.

A little more independence.

A little more of myself.

Thought after thought began to flood my mind.

One after another.

Growing darker with each passing moment.

Yet deep inside,

I knew one thing.

I did not want to feed those thoughts.

So, in the middle of my despair,

I cried out to God.

I poured out my heart before Him.

I told Him how deeply I was hurting.

How painful it was to watch my body
seem to fail me
a little more each day.

Then I prayed the only prayer
I could still find the strength to pray:

“Lord…
please help me.

Speak to me.

Give me a word.

Just one word.

Anything…

but please…

speak to me.”

In the middle of my tears…

I suddenly heard

that familiar voice.

Gentle.

Quiet.

Yet unmistakably clear.

“Job.”

…

I held my breath.

“Job.”

…

A third time.

“Job.”

Slowly,

I got up.

I picked up my Bible.

And I asked,

“Lord…
what do You want me to read in the book of Job?”

His answer came immediately.

“My answer to Job.”

I had already read the book of Job

several times before.

I knew his story.

I knew his suffering.

I knew everything he had lost.

And yet,
I found myself wondering:

Why read it again?

How is that going to change my situation?

But despite my questions…

I chose to obey.

I turned to Job chapter 38.

And I began to read.

As tears continued to stream down my face,

I kept reading…

while inwardly,

I wrestled with God.

I didn’t understand why He had led me
to this particular passage.

If I am honest, part of me almost wanted to protest.

It felt as though God was only talking about Himself.

“Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?
Tell Me, if you have understanding.
Who determined its measurements? Surely you know!”
— Job 38:4–5 (KJV)

Still…

I kept reading.

Not because I understood.

But because this was the answer
God had chosen to give

to my desperate cry.

So I kept reading.

“Hath the rain a father?
Or who hath begotten the drops of dew?”
— Job 38:28 (KJV)

And I kept reading.

Then…

something began to happen.

At the time,

I didn’t even realize it.

The more I read…

the more my eyes drifted away

from my illness.

Without realizing it, I stopped staring

at my despair.

Instead, I found myself

looking at God.

His greatness.
His power.
His majesty.
His sovereignty.

Suddenly,

I stood in awe of the God
who was answering Job.

It was as though,

with every verse,

God was gently emptying me
of myself…
only to fill me with Himself.

The more I read,

the more He turned my eyes away
from everything they had been fixed on:

my illness…
my limitations…
my disabilities…

and fixed them entirely on Him.

The more I read,

the more my perspective changed.

My circumstances had not changed.

But my perspective

had.

Without even realizing it, I had reached the end
of God’s answer to Job.

And suddenly,

Job’s words became my own.

“I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear:
but now mine eye seeth thee.”
— Job 42:5 (KJV)

The tears continued to fall.

But they no longer meant the same thing.

Just moments earlier,

they had been tears of deep despair.

Now…

they had become tears of wonder.

The catheter was still there.

So was the illness.

And yet…

what had felt so unbearably heavy
only moments before had somehow

lost its weight.

My heart was now filled with the One

who is infinitely greater

than everything I was going through.

And so…

that night,
I fell asleep.

That evening,

God taught me something I will never forget.

Faith is not about denying what our eyes can see
— our reality.

Faith is choosing to believe that what our eyes see
is not the ultimate truth.

The Truth is God.

The Truth is what God says.

The Truth is what He reveals about Himself
in the midst of our circumstances.

Every single day,

I have to choose where I will fix my eyes.

On my circumstances…

or on God.

In His goodness,

the Lord did not change my circumstances
that evening.

But He changed my perspective.

Because when our eyes are fixed on the One
who is above all things…

even if our circumstances
do not change immediately…

our hearts can already begin

to find rest.

And that is exactly what God did for me that evening.

To Him alone be all the glory.

“Looking unto Jesus the author
and finisher of our faith…“
— Hebrews 12:2 (KJV)

✦ Danielle | Germany ✦